Answer to Concision 8 of 8 (2nd part) [and the last of this ‘concision’ series]

By | October 23, 2017

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Answers to Concision 8 of 8 (Part Two)

Now let’s make the paragraph good!

So, after making all the changes to the original paragraph, we were left with just 17 words …

One reason for smoking among teenagers is the pressure from their peers, who think smoking is ‘cool’.

So, we have to write a paragraph, and make it good. So, it is time to add Specific Support [W2 book, p.113, 115, Tip 16! ‘Include Specific Support’.] Just think, ‘Why do teenagers act this way?’

Adolescence is a difficult time, of hormonal change and the transition towards adult responsibilities. With the certainties and security of childhood departing, people compensate by seeking affiliation with the group. Smoking easily offers this, proving irresistible to those lacking self assurance and willpower.

Find out the meaning of the vocabulary.

  • adolescence (n)
  • hormone (n)
  • to affiliate (v)
  • assurance (n)

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

One reason for smoking among teenagers is the pressure from their peers, who think smoking is ‘cool’. Adolescence is a difficult time, of hormonal change and the transition towards adult responsibilities. With the certainties and security of childhood departing, people compensate by seeking affiliation with the group. Smoking easily offers this, proving irresistible to those lacking self assurance and willpower. [60 words]

The original paragraph was 80 words, but now it is 60, and it clearly makes its point at the beginning, and clearly supports it, without circular phrasing or repetition. Notice the topic sentence at the beginning, and the concluding sentence at the end. It’s a great paragraph! There is also nice collocation: ‘lacking’ + ‘self assurance’ and ‘proving’ + ‘irresistible’.

See my IELTS Writing Task Two Book, Tips 15 and 16, which try to instruct students to write paragraphs like this.

Yes, this is the key to IELTS 7, and that’s the end of the ‘Concision’ posts for now. Hmmm, I just mentioned the word ‘collocation’. Maybe I will look at this in the next set of posts.

By the way, go to aisielts.com to get more information and resources to help you get that IELTS 7. 

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed