Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (14 of 16)

By | August 26, 2019

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Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (14 of 16)

Remember, in the last post, we had a 83-word paragraph …

Overwritten Paragraph

However, in most cases, the innocent people do not have any interest in owning weapons. As a result, the right of gun possession will presumably open the door for those gun enthusiasts who only have the intention to make use of these devices to commit a crime. Therefore, a legalisation of gun ownership would not reduce the crime rate or the many misfortunes caused by a crime – in fact, it would do quite the opposite. It will almost certainly only worsen the case. [83 words]

I changed this to …

However, gun possession inevitably leads to more crimes. [8 words]

Now, we have to build this paragraph up again using the following simple approaches from my IELTS Writing Task Two book. [Tip 16] Let’s do it.

1. Why does it do this?

Let’s add ….

The stark lethality of these weapons give power over others, and ultimately power corrupts, particularly for those who are weak, unintelligent, or desperate – and in the ruthless and competitive modern world, their numbers are considerable.

2. What is the result of this?

Let’s add ….

Such people, after gaining legitimate access to arms, seldom foresee the possibility of failure when contemplating criminal acts, and can be easily spurred into action.

  1.  

Let’s add ….

A highly illustrative example is America, where gun crime is rampant, unabating, and often shocking.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

However, gun possession inevitably* leads to more crime. The stark* lethality* of these weapons give power over others, and ultimately* power corrupts*, particularly for those who are weak, unintelligent, or desperate – and in the ruthless* and competitive modern world, their numbers are considerable.  Such people, after gaining legitimate* access to arms, seldom foresee* the possibility of failure when contemplating* criminal acts, and can be easily spurred* into action. A highly illustrative example is America, where gun crime is rampant*, unabating*, and often shocking. [83 words]

This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark, and, of course, I’ve added some great vocabulary (listed below), which you should now check up in a dictionary, right. Remember, vocabulary is one quarter of your writing score. Go for it!

  • to be stark
  • to be lethal
  • ultimately
  • to corrupt
  • to be ruthless
  • to be legitimate
  • to foresee
  • to contemplate
  • to spur
  • to be rampant
  • to be unabating

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed