Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (3 of 16)

By | July 15, 2019

trimming a hedge.jpg

Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (3 of 16)

We continue with exercises to help you write better. Try making the following sentence(s) more concise. Your writing has to be as clear, neat, and defined as that hedge in the picture, right.

The answers will be given in the next post (and the answers to the last post are given at the end of this exercise).

One

The different cultural customs and spectacular landscapes can be experienced in the foreign countries at lower prices, whereas it is unlikely for them to have a similar experience at home. [32 words]

Two

Once people smoke, the addictive material within the cigarettes makes them keep smoking for a long time, and sometimes they will never stop. [23 words]

Three

For many people who successfully quit smoking, the reason is that they cannot afford the cost of buying expensive cigarettes. [20 words]

Four

Nicotine can raise blood pressure and make people feel much more anxious about life. [14 words]

Five

Many people face pressure due to the busy work and often complex personal affairs. [14 words]

Six

Instead of exercising, smokers would rather smoke to ease their anxiety and bad feeling. It may not be wrong, since this way is more efficient and effective in some circumstances. [30 words]

Seven

It is proven that tobacco consists of many components which cause serious harm to people’s health, not only to the smoker, but also innocent bystanders, who can develop a variety of diseases, too. [33 words]

Eight

According to a report from the department of health issued in my country, lung cancer is the most common cause of cancer-related deaths in Taiwan. [25 words]

Nine

Many smokers are more likely to increase their cigarette use when they are facing large amounts of pressure. [18 words]

Ten

For example, in the case of Chiang Kuo Ching, in which a soldier got executed by firing squad; however, the DNA evidence was found after a few years, and it could prove that he was not guilty, but by that time it was far too late. [46 words]

Answers to Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay?: 2 of 16

One

Generally speaking, the exportation of coal was the biggest part of Australia’s exports, and iron was the second biggest one, both in the year 2005 and the next year, 2010. These two items when combined together were more than one half of all the exports. [45 words]

… becomes …

Generally speaking, in both years, coal and iron were the biggest and second biggest exports, respectively, together amounting to over half of the total. [24 words]

The country, ‘Australia’ was already mentioned in the introduction, and so does not need to be repeated in this Writing-Task-One overview statement.

Two

They could threaten people who are going to attack them. [10 words]

… becomes …

They could threaten attackers. [4 words]

Three

Gun owners would say that people have a right to possess guns for protection of their lives and property. They believe people have responsibilities and abilities to fight back against criminals. [32 words]

… becomes …

Gun owners would say their weapons allow them to defend against criminals. [12 words]

Four

Iron and coal are the most popular products which were traded overseas. On the other hand, the exportation percentage of wheat and meat are much less significant. [27 words]

… becomes …

The exportation of iron and coal is much more than wheat and meat. [13 words]

Five

… countries which have different culture and geographic features. [8 words]

… becomes …

…. foreign countries. [2 words]

Six

… which are easily available and accessible to the holiday makers as opposed to the previous tourists who could only find the information from travel agencies and purchase package tours. [29 words]

… becomes …

… which are now more available and accessible than before. [9 words]

Seven

The number of men in Asia is more than that of women. [12 words]

… becomes …

Asian men outnumber women. [4 words]

‘Outnumber’ is a good verb, since the concept of ‘number’ is embedded in the verb. Thus, you don’t need to use the word ‘number’; however, it is better to avoid this word for uncountable concepts. The amount of coke cannot outnumber pepsi. Here, think ‘real-world English’, and write, ‘Customers drink more coke than pepsi.’

Eight

When mass shooting events occur, they injure and kill many people, and this outcome usually shocks the whole of society. [20 words]

… becomes …

Mass shootings shock society. [4 words]

The part, ‘they injure and kill many people’ just defines ‘mass shooting’, and is too obvious to need saying [See my IELTS Writing Task Two book, p. 117].

Nine

Owning guns almost directly gives rise to the growth of crime rates. [12 words]

… becomes …

Owning guns increases crime. [4 words]

Ten

Modern life has become busier and with all the duties, bring more pressure to human beings. [16 words]

… becomes …

Life has become busier and more pressured. [7 words]

‘Human beings’ was unnecessary, and is used wrongly. See my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Page 38, Part B, where it explains this term can only be used when writing scientificially. Being busy and suffering from pressure has nothing to do with science, right. But a sentence such as, …

Global warming has now become a threat to all human beings.

… does relate to science, so this is well written.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com  .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed