Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (5 of 16)

By | July 22, 2019

trimming a hedge.jpg

Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (5 of 16)

Okay, we continue with another exercises about concision. Remember, you need to make your writing as trim, neat, and defined as that hedge in the picture shown above. That means doing some work, as that lady is the picture is doing, to think before you write, to cut away words and phrases that repeat, are unnecessary, or unclear.

Try making the following sentence(s) more concise. The answers will be given in the next post (and the answers to the last post are at the end of this exercise).

One

From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers has a moderate growth. It starts at less than 48 in 2004, and is almost 80 in 2014. [26 words]

Two

Not only does online shopping cross the obstacle of space, it also can overcome the barrier of time. [18 words]

Three

An example can certainly be made here. Look at the shopping website, Ebay. It provides … [15 words]

Four

He was blamed for raping and murdering a child, but the evidence later proved that he was not the one who committed the crime. [24 words]

Five

Nuclear energy generates great amounts of nuclear waste which is full of radiation and does harm to the human body. [20 words]

Six

Most parents expect their children to marry because of the traditional concepts of life. [14 words]

Seven

For example, the mass school shooting in Florida caused many innocent students to lose their lives. [16 words]

Eight

Advocates of the death penalty would argue that it deters people. However, this argument is not very strong, since there is no evidence to prove that capital punishment can reduce the crime rate at all. [35 words]

Nine

There are eight categories of products which were exported from Australian in the years 2005 and 2010. [17 words]

Ten

In this technologically advancing world, people are facing a variety of issues, such as articifical intelligence and robots, where a lot of jobs could be done by this new technology more easily and quicker compared to by human beings. Some companies may turn to this for support, instead of continuing to hire human beings as workers. [56 words]

Answers to Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay?: 4 of 16

One

Smoking is addictive. As a result, it is better never to be conquered by the idea of smoking in the initial stages of exposure. [24 words]

… becomes …

Smoking is addictive. As a result, it is better never to start. [12 words]

Two

Cigarettes can make them feel calmer. [6 words]

… becomes …

Cigarettes calm them. [3 words]

Three

There is a trend in which one can see that the proportion of males declines. [15 words]

… becomes …

Males decline. [7 word

‘Proportion of’ had already been mentioned a few times earlier, so it quickly becomes clear, and need not be repeated. See my IELTS Writing Task One book, page 66 Item 3.

Four

All of the European regions have a lower proportion of males than that of females, whereas in the Asian area, there is still a higher proportion of men than women. [30 words]

… becomes …

Europe has fewer males, whereas Asia has more. [8 words]

The fact that we are comparing numbers of males to females has been made clear earlier in the answer, and so does not have to be repeated.

Five

Some people think guns are necessary for self protection. When an armed robber invades your house, you can pick up the gun to protect yourself, family members, and property, because you have the guaranteed ability to fight back. [38 words]

… becomes …

Some people think guns are necessary to protect themselves, family members, and property. [13 words]

The fact that you can ‘pick up a gun to protect yourself’ is so obvious it doesn’t need saying, and the rest of the sentence just repeats.

Six

The obesity prevalence among adults for women starts at 14%. [10 words]

… becomes …

Female obesity starts at 14%. [5 words]

Seven

With capital punishment, the public can be satisfied. But the most important thing is that capital punishment can also provide comfort to the victims. [24 words]

… becomes …

With capital punishment, the public, and the victims, can be satisfied. [11 words]

Eight

There are actually a bunch of smokers who do not smoke in their private time, but only for socialising with their clients, friends, or supervisors. [25 words]

… becomes …

Many people only smoke socially. [5 words]

Nine

For example, in Taiwan, drunk driving is one of the major reasons of car accidents. Even though it can endanger other people’s lives, you still can find drunk drivers easily due to the sentence of drunk driving being far too light, so that it does not scare drivers at all. [50 words]

… becomes …

For example, in Taiwan, drunk driving is a major reasons for car accidents because the light sentences do not scare drivers at all. [23 words]

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com  .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed