Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (6 of 16)

By | July 25, 2019

trimming a hedge.jpg

Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (6 of 16)

Remember, you need to make your writing as trim, neat, and defined as that hedge in the picture shown above. That means doing some work, as that lady is the picture is doing, to think before you write, to cut away words and phrases that repeat, are unnecessary, or unclear.

But right now, can I jump straight to the answer to the previous concision post – Concision 5 – and look at Item Ten, that is, the last one in the last? Here is the original once again.

Ten

In this technologically advancing world, people are facing a variety of issues, such as articifical intelligence and robots, where a lot of jobs could be done by this new technology more easily and quicker compared to by human beings. Some companies may turn to this for support, instead of continuing to hire human beings as workers. [56 words]

However, I will change this to …

In this technologically changing world, people may be replaced by articifical intelligence and robots.  [14 words]

Wow! 56 words became just 14. This example is one where the original passage was almost a whole paragraph, and yes, sometimes whole paragraphs simply repeat and repeat (and repeat), as this paragraph does.

Maybe in the next few posts, we can look at this issuethat is, repetition at the paragraph level (rather than at the sentence level). This problem is equally common among students.

So, let’s go into an exercise on this theme. Try making the following paragraphs more concise. The answer, and a complete explanation will be given in the next two posts.

Overwritten paragraph I

One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated. Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide. For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well. [83 words]

Overwritten paragraph II

Another significant problem is the increasing housing price. To live in a new place, people have to rent or buy a house; however, due to the limited amount of land, which cannot accommodate so many people, the price of housing shows a dramatic incline. A good example is happening in Hong Kong, which has the smallest amount of land but the greatest number of people who are living there. This has made the housing price become unaffordable for most citizens. [80 words]

Answers to Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay?: 5 of 16

Remember, I’ve already given the answer to Ten at the start of this post. Here are the other nine.

One

From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers has a moderate growth. It starts at less than 48 in 2004, and is almost 80 in 2014. [26 words]

… becomes …

From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers grows from 48 to 80. [13 words]

Two

Not only does online shopping cross the obstacle of space, it also can overcome the barrier of time. [18 words]

… becomes …

Online shopping overcomes the barriers of time and space. [9 words]

Three

An example can certainly be made here. Look at the shopping website, Ebay. It provides … [15 words]

… becomes …

For example, Ebay provides … [4 words]

Ebay is such a well-known example that it doesn’t need an introduction ‘shopping website’.

Four

He was blamed for raping and murdering a child, but the evidence later proved that he was not the one who committed the crime. [24 words]

… becomes …

He was wrongly blamed for raping and murdering a child. [10 words]

Five

Nuclear energy generates great amounts of nuclear waste which is full of radiation and does harm to the human body. [20 words]

… becomes …

Nuclear energy generates harmful radioactive waste. [6 words]

Six

Most parents expect their children to marry because of the traditional concepts of life. [14 words]

… becomes …

Traditionally, most parents expect their children to marry. [8 words]

Seven

For example, the mass school shooting in Florida caused many innocent students to lose their lives. [16 words]

… becomes …

For example, the mass school shooting in Florida. [8 words]

The part ‘caused many innocent students to lose their lives’ is contained in the noun phrase ‘mass school shooting’.

Eight

Advocates of the death penalty would argue that it deters people. However, this argument is not very strong, since there is no evidence to prove that capital punishment can reduce the crime rate at all. [35 words]

… becomes …

Advocates of the death penalty would argue that it deters people. However, there is no evidence to prove this. [19 words]

Nine

There are eight categories of products which were exported from Australian in the years 2005 and 2010. [17 words]

… becomes …

There are eight Australian exports in 2005 and 2010.  [9 words]

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com  .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed