On Saturday June 22nd the Task-One Question shown above appeared in the real IELTS test. Let’s analyse it.
It is a bar chart, but we have change over time (COT). COT is, in fact, a common feature of Writing Task One.
The sample answer given below follows the system in my Writing Task One book. Here it is.
The following summarises how the submission of PHD dissertations fluctuated at a UK university, from 1990 to 2010.
Overall, in all years, the overwhelming majority of these tertiary* students (commendably* and somewhat predictably*) submitted their final papers in timely fashion. In addition, as the years passed, deadlines were more rigorously* adhered* to, with increased numbers of works (albeit*, sometimes received late) inundating* the respective professors’ desks, as well as fewer students reneging* on this onerous* academic requirement.
Considering the numbers of submitted works (late or otherwise), those who finished on time began at 15. This rate rose impressively over the next two decades, finishing at 30, the highest overall by far. Late submissions similarly increased, from three to 10, at all times being about one third of the ‘on time’ number.
As for the less auspicious* ‘failure to submit’ and ‘re-write’, the first (and most serious academic transgression*) began at 10, which was a significant (and arguably* worrying) two thirds of the ‘on time’ submissions. However, by the end of the period in question, this failure rate had fallen to six (which is minor when compared to the 40 submission). At the same time, ‘re-write’ merely fluctuated at around a very low four.
[203 words]
Word Learning Time
Now, use your dictionary to find the meaning of all these words, then check how I used them in the sample answer.
1
tertiary
(adj)
2
commendably
(adv)
3
predictably
(adv)
4
rigorous
(adj)
5
to adhere
(v)
6
albeit
(conj.)
7
to inundate
(v)
8
to renege
(v)
9
onerous
(adj)
10
auspicious
(adj)
11
transgression
(n)
12
arguably
(adv)
I hope all this helps, and good luck with the IELTS test.
By the way, you can find out more about me at www.aisielts.com .
The ‘Roll in, Roll Out’ IELTS Course’ [TTWOF] (2 of 2)
In this post, I’ll finish looking at the …
‘Roll In, Roll Out’ IELTS course syndrome.
This refers to the system some schools use, where you pay for a certain number of tuition hours, and then just ‘roll in’ to study whenever you like, and ‘roll out’ whenever you like. In the previous post, I gave my judgement about this system. As a responsible, trained, and experienced teacher as well as a Cambridge-accredited teacher trainer, my judgement was (obviously) strong. Such courses don’t make any sense. It would be MAD to pay money for an approach as (1) sloppy, (2) formless, (3) unfocussed, (4) unsystematic, and (5) aimless as that. It would just put a mass of question marks into your mind (hence the picture above).
Let’s think about it. Remember, we are not talking about general upgrading of English skills; we are talking about trying to achieve a very specific goal (say, IELTS 7) within a very specific period of time, in a very specific English proficiency test. To do this, isn’t it obvious that you need the very opposite to those (1) – (4) adjectives? You need an approach that is (1) solid, (2) shaped, (3) focused, (4) systematic, and (5) aimed. How else can you completely cover four completely different types of essays, and six completely different types of Task-1 writing (= 10 specific types of writing, and that’s just the writing!)＿
Click Teacher Andrew’s IELTS Course Design, and see the course design I have developed for preparing my students for IELTS. Just looking at Writing Task Two, it involves having good ideas (so ideas-forming techniques must be done), developing these ideas (meaning that helping students in gaining more real-world knowledge must take place), grammar, vocabulary, appropriateness, structuring, clarity, logical thinking and argumentation (always a big problem), relevance, and the practical aspects of the test (timing, word length, and techniques to finish quickly).
The key aspect to this mass of learning is a sequence, and a progression of skills, with each one building on the other, gently guiding you in a realistic and achievable way to your goal. Ideally, there must be continuity, with students attending all classes (in order), and doing the homework linked specifically to each class. This homework includes writing tasks (both Task 1 and 2), as well as the specific tips and exercises from my own IELTS books, as well as research on topics as directed by me, which is used for the very next lesson. This is all part of a carefully constructed and intricate plan, evolved after years of teaching IELTS, and this plan is the best of its kind in the world.
Roll in, roll out? An IELTS course should never be designed to be so convenient that it destroys its learning effect! Don’t be misled by that, okay?
Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.
The ‘Roll in, Roll Out’ IELTS Course’ [TTWOF] (1 of 2)
A long time ago, when I began giving the ‘Tricks to Watch Out For [TTWOF]’ posts, I mentioned that the challenge with any big school lies in getting students into the classroom. Some people will use any trick it takes to do this (including the very deceitful ‘guaranteed IELTS 7’ claim). Well, another very suspect selling strategy is the …
‘Roll In, Roll Out’ IELTS course.
This system allows you to pay for a certain number of tuition hours, and then just ‘roll in’ to study a class whenever you like, and ‘roll out’ whenever you like. The idea is to make the IELTS course as convenient (and easy for you) as possible. ‘Roll in, roll out.’ Whenever you like. Anytime. Just clock off your hours. So convenient. Fits any schedule. If you have a headache one night, just don’t go to class, and you can get it all back the next night? Or the night after. No problem. Or take a week’s holiday, then just start again a week later as if nothing has happened. Perfect, right? Or is it just a confusing set of question marks like the picture at the top of this page?
Well, all I can say is, as a Cambridge-accredited teacher trainer, and as someone who has studied English Teaching and English Course Design, and spent 10 weeks designing the syllabus for the English Language Centre at Monash University, I am absolutely appalled at such a system. I just can’t believe such a system can exist, and I am amazed that students pay to immerse themselves in it.
Think about it. In this system, …
each lesson does not connect or build on the earlier ones,
there is no sequencing or progression in the learning,
there is no beginning and no end,
no one is developing in any direction whatsoever,
you cannot know if everything will be covered, or not,
… and because of all this, …
there is little motivation or concern from either students or teachers,
your learning is seriously affected.
The first four bullet points mean that the lessons can only be just page turning from units taken at random from a collection of IELTS books. It’s just sitting on seats, listening to somebody talking (probably in Chinese) about IELTS, but you are not going anywhere, since there is no thinking, planning, or effort in anything. It is just disconnected pieces of learning. What can I say? It’s a JOKE! It is seriously MAD! As a responsible TEFL professional, I could never ever be a part of such a system because it doesn’t make any sense! For you students, it would just be an endless set of ‘question marks’ in your mind (hence the picture at the top of this page).
I’ll explain why in more detail in the next post.
[To be continued in the next post]
Find the meaning of the underlined words, also repeated below.
Tricks to Watch Out For: ‘We teach you IELTS vocabulary/grammar’
Instant IELTS ‘experts’ are everywhere now. Well, you need to be aware of the risks here. You could easily waste a lot of time and money, and send your IELTS mark downwards. In this post, I’ll look at the …
“We teach you IELTS vocabulary/grammar” syndrome.
Sounds good, right? That’s the trouble; it always sounds good, but then you begin to think about it, or do you? The trouble is, many students don’t. So, let’s think about it now, and let’s look at the facts – the real facts (hence the picture at the top of this page).
What is IELTS vocabulary?
What is IELTS vocabulary? That’s a good question. Is the word ‘society’ IELTS vocabulary, or not IELTS vocabulary? If it is IELTS vocabulary, is it IELTS 7 vocabulary, or IELTS 8 vocabulary? Is there a special IELTS police squad which decides which words are good for IELTS, and which are not?
Let’s take a long fancy word, such as ‘proclivity’. It is certain a difficult word. It isn’t commonly used. Does that make it ‘IELTS vocabulary’? Maybe IELTS 7 vocabulary? Longer and more complicated words are always better, right? But if I put this word in the sentence …. “I like proclivity”, it is actually IELTS 4 vocabulary, as the sentence doesn’t make any sense at all.
Well, I’m confused. I’ve been teaching IELTS for over 25 years, and I couldn’t write an ‘IELTS Vocabulary’ book, but the authors of all the books called ‘IELTS Vocabulary’ must have special knowledge? Maybe they know the IELTS police squad? But when I look at their ‘IELTS Vocabulary’ books, I can see words such as ‘society’, ‘computer’, and ‘hug’. Hmmmm. Actually, all the words I see could equally appear in a newspaper, so these books could also be called, ‘Newspaper Vocabulary’. They could also be called ‘English vocabulary’, but would you buy that book? No, you wouldn’t.
People long ago realised that if you put the word ‘IELTS’ on the cover, the book sells better.
If a book is just ‘Learn Vocabulary’, no one would buy it. So, the book becomes ‘IELTS 7 Vocabulary’, and everyone buys it.
If a book is just ‘English Grammar, no one would buy it. So, the book becomes ‘IELTS 7 Grammar’, and everyone buys it.
Of course, it gets worse.
If a book is just ‘IELTS 7 Vocabulary’, some people would buy it. But if the book becomes ‘IELTS 8 Vocabulary’, more people buy it.
If a book is just ‘IELTS 8 Vocabulary’, many people would buy it. But if the book becomes ‘IELTS 9 Vocabulary’, many more people buy it.
So, the word ‘IELTS 9’ is used everywhere now. ‘IELTS 9 teachers’, ‘IELTS 9 seminars’, ‘IELTS 9 tips’, ‘IELTS 9’ … well, you get the point.
But the average IELTS writing score in Taiwan is IELTS 5.5.
The average IELTS speaking score in Taiwan in IELTS 6.0.
You see, it didn’t work. Those are the fact (hence the picture at the top of this page). So, if those are the fact, why did not all this ‘IELTS 9’ stuff work?
Time to start thinking everyone.
Conclusion
Okay, let me get back to the point. There is no such a thing as ‘IELTS vocabulary’ and there’s no such thing as ‘IELTS Grammar’. It is just an invention to sell books. All those authors who make such books and all the schools/teacher which make such claims are playing a game: tricking you to make money.
At its worst, ‘IELTS vocabulary’ is just a long academic word list to memorise. However, all words come with their own grammar and pronunciation, their own situations for use, and their own connection with other words. Using these so-called ‘IELTS Vocabulary’ books is an inefficient use of your time, and can lead you into trouble.
In the previous post, I gave you an entire essay, of 304 words, but with very much over-wording, repetition, and irrelevance. Let’s take the next step (hence the picture above), and look at it again, paragraph by paragraph.
Paragraph 1
Whenever there is a death penalty which has been done, the debate over keeping this major punishment or abolishing it begins, triggering different viewpoints in Taiwan. From my perspective, I regard capital punishment as necessary for the modern society, and I have some reason to prove that capital punishment is worthwhile. (51 words)
I will cut this to …
Execution always trigger debate; however, I believe this punishment is necessary, for these reasons. (15 words)
Paragraph 2
Starting from the first reason, it has been proven that capital punishment can deter people, and this means people are afraid of the consequences, so they do not want to commit the crime. Countries such as Singapore and China both have lower crime rates, and the common point is these two countries all have struct laws for regulating crime and criminal incidents. For example, there was a Chinese celebrity who illegally used drugs, and was arrested by the Chinese police. After several days of investigating, the celebrity was sentenced, and the Chinese law forced him to apologize during a TV broadcast. I was surprised by the result, and the way the Chinese government dealt with drug abuse, so I truly believe having capital punishment can deter people from commiting a crime.
(131 words)
I will cut this to …
Firstly, it deters people from crime. Countries with capital punishment, such as Singapore and China, have lower crime rates. (19 words)
You may have realized that the long example about the Chinese celebrity has no relevance to capital punishment at all. Remember, the IELTS instructions say, ‘Give relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.’ The conclusion drawn at the end (‘… so, I truly believe …’) has no logical connection to the example.
Paragraph 3
Another reason is that when capital punishment has been done, the majority of our society will think that the justice has been done, and this can be a kind of good feeling to the victim’s family. Let’s think about the tragedy that happened at the mosque in New Zealand recently. Ifno punishment is given, will the whole world and the victim’s family accept the result? (66 words)
I will cut this to …
Another reason for capital punishment is that it shows justice has been done. The family of the victims of the recent New Zealand mosque shooting would always certainly want this penalty. (31 words)
Paragraph 4
For human right activists, the existence of capital punishment might be immoral, and it seems to conflict with the Confucian concept which says people should learn the art of forgiveness to maintain a peaceful and harmonious society. However, I regard the true essence of the society is everyone deserves a fair life. All behavior has consequences. (56 words)
I will cut this to …
Human right activists argue that capital punishment is immoral. However, all behavior has consequences. (14 words)
Thus, I have cut the entire essay to …
Executions always trigger debate; however, I believe this punishment is necessary, for these reasons.
Firstly, it deters people from crime. Countries with capital punishment, such as Singapore and China, have lower crime rates.
Another reason for capital punishment is that it shows justice has been done. The family of the victims of the recent New Zealand mosque shooting would always certainly want this penalty.
Human right activists argue that capital punishment is immoral. However, all behavior has consequences.
(76 words)
Yes, I cut a 304-word essay to just 76 words! Can you see now why many students do not get a good IELTS mark? Can you see why IELTS examiners are not that impressed? Can you see why memorisation is a very bad strategy?
Now, each of those four paragraphs need to be build up again as we have done in previous posts, but I won’t do it here. You should know how to do this from the previous few posts.
Anyhow, that’s it with this series of posts on concision. I’ll move onto another theme – the next step (ah, again, check the picture above). What will I do? Hmmm, maybe collocation (again), or maybe a few ‘consumer advice’ posts. I’m still thinking about this. You’ll find out when you read it, right?
Good writing, remember, is concise, like the mathematic equation above: E = mc2. Beautiful precision, clarity, and concision.
Think about that in this final post, where I will give an entire essay, of 304 words. The student writes fairly well, and with honesty – which is good – although I have corrected the grammar, wrong words, and logic errors. The message is clear; however, there is very much over-wording, repetition, and irrelevance in the content.
Can you see it? Can you cut it out? Can you distil the writing to the actual message? Think, E = mc2. Think precision, clarity, and concision.
Essay
Whenever there is a death penalty which has been done, the debate over keeping this major punishment or abolishing it begins, triggering different viewpoints in Taiwan. From my perspective, I regard capital punishment as necessary for the modern society, and I have some reason to prove that capital punishment is worthwhile.
Starting from the first reason, it has been proven that capital punishment can deter people, and this means people are afraid of the consequences, so they do not want to commit the crime. Countries such as Singapore and China both have lower crime rates, and the common point is these two countries all have struct laws for regulating crime and criminal incidents. For example, there was a Chinese celebrity who illegally used drugs, and was arrested by the Chinese police. After several days of investigating, the celebrity was sentenced, and the Chinese law forced him to apologize during a TV broadcast. I was surprised by the result, and the way the Chinese government dealt with drug abuse, so I truly believe having capital punishment can deter people from commiting a crime.
Another reason is that when capital punishment has been done, the majority of our society will think that the justice has been done, and this can be a kind of good feeling to the victim’s family. Let’s think about the tragedy that happened at the mosque in New Zealand recently. If no punishment is given, will the whole world and the victim’s family accept the result?
For human right activists, the existence of capital punishment might be immoral, and it seems to conflict with the Confucian concept which says people should learn the art of forgiveness to maintain a peaceful and harmonious society. However, I regard the true essence of the society is everyone deserves a fair life. All behavior has consequences.
(304 words)
Your Task
Try going through this essay, paragraph by paragraph, and making it more concise. Cut out any irrelevant examples, over-wording, and repetition, and try to distil all the words to the actual message. The answer will be given in the next post. By the way, you can learn more about me atwww.aisielts.com.
2nd Part
Oh, I forgot to mention. Did you remember? Read on.
Free Seminar!
The IELTS Speaking Test
What to do, and what not to do !
WHERE: 書林書店
WHEN: 6月6日, 周四2.30 – 4.30 pm
At the end of this seminar, you will know …
the categories used to judge good speaking,
what IELTS examiners look for in good speaking,
the mistakes made by many IELTS candidates,
same basic strategies to succeeding in the Speaking Test,
I’m doing two ‘makeup lessons’ tomorrow (Saturday morning & afternoon) for some students who joined myIELTS courses late, so I may as well invite anyone who is interested to watch. Remember,SEEING IS BELIEVING, right! So, come and see the truth. Here’s the message from my website.
I only just thought [of inviting other to watch for free] yesterday,
I have just put the message here, on the website, and PTT yesterday and today – this is, giving very late notice about it, …
… I don’t think that many people will turn up – so you can expect a small class, and more individual attention.
Anyhow, tell your friends, and if you are coming, bring your friends along. Remember, it’s all for FREE! Whichever class (the morning, the afternoon, or both), as the picture at the top shows, you will learn.
Remember, in the last post of this series, we had a 79-word paragraph …
Another cause of the losing of culture of aboriginal groups is that the youth of these native aboriginals usually do not understand the importance of protecting their unique and traditional customs. These days, most aboriginal children need to go to the city to get an education, and most of them stay and do not go back to their hometowns after they graduate from university. As a result, they usually lose the opportunity to undertstand the history of their culture. [79 words]
… which we cut to ….
Another cause of cultural loss is the rejection of its relevance. The youth involved usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. [23 words]
Now, we have to build this paragraph up again using the following simple approaches from my IELTS Writing Task Two book. [Tip 16]
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Let’s do it.
1. Why don’t these people return?
Let’s add ….
The multiplicity of sights and sounds prove irresistable to human minds, always craving for sensory stimulation.
2. What is the result of this input?
Let’s add ….
Immersed in such ‘melting pots’, individual cultures ineluctably evolve, and some aspects are seen as irrelevant to the exigencies of life.
Let’s add ….
For example, the sprawling metropolises of New York and London boast vibrant and ever-advancing urban cultures luring people in.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
Another cause of cultural loss is the rejection of its relevance. The youth involved usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. The multiplicity* of sights and sounds prove irresistable to human minds, always craving for sensory* stimulation. Immersed* in such ‘melting pots’, individual cultures ineluctably* evolve, and some aspects are seen as irrelevant to the exigencies* of life. For example, the sprawling*metropolises* of New York and London boast vibrant* and ever-advancing urban cultures luring* people in. [79 words]
This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark, and, of course, I’ve added some great vocabulary (listed below), which you should now check up in a dictionary, right. Remember, vocabulary is one quarter of your writing score. Go for it!
Just a week ago (on Saturday May 11th), the following Task-Two Question appeared in the real IELTS test.
Task 2
Some businesses find that new employees who have finished their education lack basic interpersonal ability, such as being able to work with others as a part of a team.
What do you think are the causes of this problem, and how do you think it can be solved?
Student have been asking me to provide sample answers to real questions, so I will do that here.
Notice that this is a Discussion Question (that is, you do not argue, but discuss or give your perspective on aspects to an issue).
If you check p.30 of my Writing Task Two book (3rd edition), you will see the recommended structure. We have to discuss the (A) causes and (B) solutions. We will use three body-paragraphs to the essay, which means doing a AAB or ABB, but notice that there is an ‘s’ on ‘causes’, which suggests the best structure is AAB (=Cause 1, Cause 2, Solution 1).
Here is the sample answer.
Human beings are innately* gregarious*, with a hardwired instinct* to communicate. Additionally, citiesnow concentrate multitudes* of people into co-operative cohorts*, meaning that interpersonal skills have never been more important. Given this, a discussion of why many school leavers lack these skills, and ways to solve this problem, is certainly needed.
One reason for this phenomenon* is the dominance* of social networking technology, which diverts* the youth from face-to-face communication. The convenience of mobile phones, together with wi-fi, has revolutionised* the way people, especially teenagers, interact. Skype, line, and we-chat are just some of the numerous ‘apps’ which suck the youth into virtuality*, rather than reality – but this real world is where the dynamic* political, personal, and diplomatic* skillsare truly developed.
Another reason new employees lack these skills is the exam-based nature of their education, which ignores personal developmentin favour of test results. Society is becoming increasingly competitive, meaning additional after-hours ‘cram schools’ are now normal, replacing the co-operative team-based sports and interactional games once played. This can be seen in my country, Australia, where many traditional football clubs are now closing down as the demographics* and priorities* of the youth change in response to this new world.
One solution is for schools to imbed* communication more deeply into their syllabus, especially when grading. Although there exists sports and PE* programs, the learning itself needs to shift its focus* from the abstract* accumulation* of facts to the development of inner selves. An illustrative* example is the International-Baccalaureate (IB) scheme, where testing is often based on group project and presentation work, and the marking on outcomes worded* around communication, participation, and the real skills needed in today’s society. Such systems need to become mandatory*.
[285 words]
The essay could end here. As I say to my class, a discussion essay has no need of a ‘conclusion’, since there is nothing meaningful to conclude.
If a conclusion is written, it must be …
short [two sentences only],
not repetitive,
meaningful.
Here is an example (of 35 words), following the model on p.103 of my Writing Task Two book (3rd edition).
Possible Conclusion (if time allows)
Although the problem is conspicuous* enough, it needs more publicity to prompt* a concerted* response. However, with the growth of IB and other educational approaches, hopefully the future will see a reversal of this trend.
[320 words]
Word Learning Time
Now, use your dictionary to find the meaning of all the following words, then check how I used them in the sample answer (where they are marked with a *).
1
innate
(adj)
2
gregarious
(adj)
3
instinct
(n)
4
multitude
(n)
5
a cohort
(n)
6
phenomenon
(n)
7
dominance
(n)
8
to divert
(v)
9
to revolutionise
(v)
10
virtual
(adj)
11
dynamic
(adj)
12
diplomatic
(adj)
13
demographics
(n)
14
priority
(n)
15
to imbed
(v)
16
PE
(n)
17
focus
(n)
18
abstract
(adj)
19
accumulation
(n)
20
illustrative
(adj)
21
to word
(v)
22
mandatory
(adj)
23
conspicuous
(adj)
24
to prompt
(v)
25
concerted
(adj)
I hope all this helps, and good luck with the IELTS test.
By the way, you can find out more about me at www.aisielts.com .
Just a week ago (on Saturday May 11th), the Task-One Item shown above appeared in the real IELTS test.
Student have been asking me to provide sample answers to real questions, so I will do that here. This is a line graph, so we have change over time (COT). There are four lines, which is unusual [more often it is three], although the trends are simpler. The answer follows the system given in my Writing Task One book. Here is the sample answer.
The graph shows the change in the proportion of UK households with specific numbers of cars, from 1975 to 2005.
Generally speaking, at all times, the majority of households had at least one car nestled* alongside, but as vehicle numbers grew, fewer households were involved – that is, having an inverse* correlation*. In addition, this situation remained static*over the three decades (despite the pronounced* social, economic, environmental, and demographic* changes which inevitably* took place), with only a slight tendency* towards less car-possession near the end.
Considering lower numbers of vehicles, for the first 25 years, the proportion of ‘car-free’ residences* remained at 30%, then suddenly increased over the last half-decade to 40%. Single-vehicle possession was always highest, about 10% above the ‘no-car’ profile*, and with a similar, but smoother, growth at the end to almost half of all households, being the highest proportion of all.
Moving onto multiple*ownership, two-vehicle residences was a mirror image of those with none, remaining similarly steady (at a lower 20%), then experiencing the same abrupt* change in 2000, downwards to only one in ten. Having three-cars is yet another near-perfect reflection* of one-car residences, coasting* at around 10%, then gently inclining* downwards to the lowest figure of 5%.
[204 words]
Word Learning Time
Now, use your dictionary to find the meaning of all these words, then check how I used them in the sample answer.
1
to nestle
(v)
2
inverse
(adj)
3
correlation
(adj)
4
static
(adj)
5
pronounced
(adj)
6
demographic
(adj)
7
inevitable
(adj)
8
tendency
(n)
9
residence
(n)
10
profile
(n)
11
multiple
(adj)
12
abrupt
(adj)
13
reflection
(n)
14
to coast
(v)
15
to incline
(v)
I hope all this helps, and good luck with the IELTS test.
By the way, you can find out more about me at www.aisielts.com .
No one wants an IELTS 5, right? Let’s look at the original paragraph from the previous post.
Another cause of the losing of culture of aboriginal groups is that the youth of these native aboriginals usually do not understand the importance of protecting their unique and traditional customs. These days, most aboriginal children need to go to the city to get an education, and most of them stay and do not go back to their hometowns after they graduate from university. As a result, they usually lose the opportunity to undertstand the history of their culture. [79 words]
I will cut this to …
Another cause of cultural loss is that the the youth involved often fail to understand the importance of their customs. They usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. [30 words]
This time I didn’t cut out as much as the previous ‘circling paragraph’, but I certainly cut out a lot. Why?
Well, the first sentence was good enough, so I kept that part, although I did not repeat the word ‘aboriginal(s)’ or use the unnecessary ‘protecting their unique and traditional’, since these words would have been used before earlier in the essay, and therefore already be clear. For stylish purposes, I tried to remove the ‘do not’, using the less common ‘fail to’ instead. [See my IELTS Writing Two book, Tip 7, Hint 5.]
Another cause of cultural loss is that the the youth involved often fail to understand the importance of their customs.
Similarly, the second sentence was okay, but ‘education’ = ‘graduate from university’, so we didn’t need the second phrase. If we change the ‘usually do not’ to ‘seldom’, we can give exactly the same message with:
They usually go to cities for education, and seldom return.
This is so concise, and crystal clear. As for the third sentence, it just repeats; hence, it can be removed completely. So, we are left with:
Another cause of cultural loss is that the the youth involved often fail to understand the importance of their customs. They usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. [30 words]
However, because I am an IELTS teacher, I’ll take this further. Instead of giving the reason using the structure, ‘… is that [Subj.]+[Verb] …’, I’ll follow my tip in my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 6: Hint 6: Think about Noun Phrases, which says, …
Think about formal nouns for some of your verbs.
… and Tip 8: ‘Reason Grammar’, which says, …
The second grammar [Noun Phrases] is more academic but [harder to write].
Another cause of cultural loss is the rejection of its relevance. The youth involved usually go to cities for education, and seldom return.
[23 words]
Well, we really need to build up this paragraph. Do you remember how to do it? Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think.
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Can you try these approaches, and rebuild the paragraph? The next post will show you a possible answer.
‘Circling paragraph’ are common, and responsible for low IELTS scores. Here’s another example.
Another cause of the losing of culture of aboriginal groups is that the youth of these native aboriginals usually do not understand the importance of protecting their unique and traditional customs. These days, most aboriginal children need to go to the city to get an education, and most of them stay and do not go back to their hometowns after they graduate from university. As a result, they usually lose the opportunity to undertstand the history of their culture. [79 words]
Try making this paragraph more concise.
Cut out all the repetitive words and ideas to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then build up the paragraph in a better way?
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
In the last post, we reduced a 83-word paragraph to 17. 83 words cut to 17. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think.
Approach
1
Why?
2
Result/
Consequence
3
General Example
4
Specific Example
Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US.[17 words]
Now, let’s think.
Why do guns do this?
Let’s add ….
Guns give the possessor a power, and power corrupts. Add to this human weakness, the greed for easy money and an affluent lifestyle, and the stresses of a fiercely competitive and sometimes dehumanising society, and there is a volatile mix.
What is the result of knowing these skills?
Let’s add ….
The result is a generally deteriorating public safety, as exemplified by the recent Florida school shooting, leaving carnage in its wake.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US.Guns give the possessor a power, and power corrupts. Add to this human weakness, the greed for easy money and an affluent lifestyle, and the pressure of a fiercely competitive and sometimes dehumanising society, and there is a volatile mix. The result is a generally deteriorating public safety, as exemplified by the recent Florida high-school shooting rampage, where one psychologically-afflicted teenage left carnage in his wake.
[83 words]
This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.
In the next post, we’ll look at another ‘circling paragraph’, and practice again.
No one wants an IELTS 5, right? Let’s look at the original paragraph from the previous post.
One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated. Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide. For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well. [83 words]
It’s 83 words, but I will cut this to ….
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US.[17 words]
Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the first sentence …
One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated.
… just means there will be more homocide and suicide (and this is said later). The second sentence …
Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide.
… just repeats the fact that there will be more homicide and suicide, but with a lot of unnecessary words. Let’s just use the ‘homocide and suicide’ part, since it is good vocabulary. The third sentence…
For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well.
… mentions the US as an example, which is good, but that’s all you need to mention, and this could be concisely combined with previous part, giving …
One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US.[17 words]
83 words cut to 17! Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.
Concision Rides Again (6 of 12): ‘Circling Paragraphs’
We will now look at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Lack of concision here often relates to the design of the paragraph – and correct paragraph design is very important in IELTS Task-Two Writing.
Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’. On Page 116 [2nd edition] or 124 [3rd edition], you will see that it mentions, ‘even if there is one clear topic, which is supported, there can still be problems inside the paragraph.’
The book then gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs – that is, paragraphs which just repeat, and repeat, and repeat the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at …
IELTS Task Response 5 = Ideas not developed enough
… and …
IELTS Coherence & Cohesion 5 = May have unclear progression.
We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progression.
‘Circling paragraph’ are common, and responsible for low IELTS scores. In the rest of these ‘concision’ posts, I’ll look specifically at this problem, and show you how to fix it. Remember, this is very important for your IELTS mark.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
One reason I think it is not appropriate is because if everyone has a gun, then there will be more crimes, and the rate of firearm-related deaths will be elevated. Many studies in public society has showed that the firearm-related death ratio is directly correlated with gun ownership, and it also involves homicide and suicide. For example, the US is the country which has both the highest rate of gun ownership and firearms-related death, and that just proves the studies as well. [83 words]
The answers will be given and explained in the next post.
Answers to Concision Rides Again (5 of 12)
1.
From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers has a moderate growth. It starts at less than 48 in 2004, and is almost 80 in 2014. [26 words]
… becomes …
From 2004 to 2014, the number of passengers grows from 48 to 80.[13 words]
2.
Not only does online shopping cross the obstacle of space, it also can overcome the barrier of time. [18 words]
… becomes …
Online shopping overcomes the barriers of time and space.[9 words]
3.
An example can certainly be made here. Look at the shopping website, Ebay. It provides … [15 words]
… becomes …
For example, Ebay provides …[4 words]
Ebay is such a well-known example that it doesn’t need an introduction ‘shopping website’.
4.
He was blamed for raping and murdering a child, but the evidence later proved that he was not the one who committed the crime. [24 words]
… becomes …
He was wrongly blamed for raping and murdering a child.[10 words]
5.
Most people expect their children to marry because of the traditional concepts of life. [14 words]
… becomes …
Traditionally, most people expect their children to marry.[8 words]
6.
For example, the mass school shooting in Florida caused many innocent students to lose their lives. [16 words]
… becomes …
For example, the mass school shooting in Florida.[8 words]
The part ‘caused many innocent students to lose their lives’ is contained in the noun phrase ‘mass school shooting’.
