Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (15 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 13 & 14 of 30

By | October 12, 2018

Reconstructing (General).png

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (15 of 30): Re-writing the ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 13 & 14 of 30

In the last post, we reduced a 82-word paragraph to 18. 82 words cut to 18. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. We will build it piece by piece, just like the picture above. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to do this.

Approach

1

Why?

2

Result/

Consequence

3

General Example

4

Specific Example

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country, for tobacco-related products.

[18 words]

Now, let’s think.

One: Why would tax mark-ups work?

Let’s add ….

Although inevitably resisted by the tobacco lobby, an ethical government can nevertheless prioritise the public’s health, and with the smokers facing higher financial burdens, a reduction in this habit should follow.

Two: What is the result of consequence of this reduction in smoking?

Let’s add ….

In the long term, this will lower the cost of treating the many smoking-related diseases, as well as enhance the lives and productiveness of the smokers themselves, from which all of society benefits.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

One way to reduce smoking is to use tax-mark-ups, which are 15% in my country for tobacco-related products. Although inevitably resisted by the tobacco lobby, an ethical government can nevertheless prioritise the public’s health, and with the smokers facing higher financial burdens, a reduction in this habit should follow. In the long term, this will lower the cost of treating the many smoking-related diseases, as well as enhance the lives and productiveness of the smokers themselves, from which all of society benefits.

   [82 words]

This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark. So, that’s how it is done, and in the next post, we will look at another ‘circling’ paragraph, and practise cutting it down to the real message, then building it back into a real paragraph worthy of a high IELTS mark.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed