Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (17 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 16 of 30

By | October 18, 2018

17. Simple Maths.jpg

Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (17 of 30): Answer to ‘Circling Paragraph’ from 16 of 30

Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). Let’s keep looking at the paragraph from the previous post, and cut all the circling stuff out of it. Let’s make the ‘mathematics’ clear and simple, as with the picture above. The original paragraph was …

One significant cause of migration to the cities is that the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people. This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals. For instance, many citizens in Taiwan tend to immigrate to the capital city – Taipei – because it is full of diverse job opportunities, job categories, and chances.

[124 words]

I will cut this to ….

One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.

[27 words]

Huh? I cut so much out! Why? Because the middle part …

the development between rural areas and those in the cities is not the same. There are distinct differences between the two in terms of the working choices each one offers. In the countryside, there is a shortage which is happening, while in the cities, there is a great deal more on offer for people. This results in the fact that there are more people willing to move to such flourishing places to find a job, which increases the possibilities of earning more money and fulfilling their career goals.

… is saying the same thing again and again, or just stating the obvious. It begins with ‘differences’ then ‘shortage …. more’ then ‘people move to cities’ (=repeating the beginning), then moves to … finally … the point: there are more jobs in cities. But ‘differences’ = ‘shortages = more’, and neither are important to the paragraph.

The beginning of the paragraph can be concisely combined with the last part (jobs + money) giving …..

One significant cause of migration to the cities is the greater number of jobs offered there, which increases the possibility of higher salaries and fulfilling career goals.

[27 words]

… which is the real message.

124 words cut to 28. Wow! That first paragraph had so much repetition and unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think, and we will look at that in the next post.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .

Author: Andrew

Andrew Guilfoyle Cambridge CELTA, Cambridge DELTA, Cambridge CELTA teacher-trainer, M.Ed