Answer to Concision Rides Again (12 of 12)

In the previous post, I gave you an entire essay, of 304 words, but with very much over-wording, repetition, and irrelevance. Let’s take the next step (hence the picture above), and look at it again, paragraph by paragraph.

Paragraph 1

Whenever there is a death penalty which has been done, the debate over keeping this major punishment or abolishing it begins, triggering different viewpoints in Taiwan. From my perspective, I regard capital punishment as necessary for the modern society, and I have some reason to prove that capital punishment is worthwhile. (51 words)

I will cut this to …

Execution always trigger debate; however, I believe this punishment is necessary, for these reasons. (15 words)

Paragraph 2

Starting from the first reason, it has been proven that capital punishment can deter people, and this means people are afraid of the consequences, so they do not want to commit the crime. Countries such as Singapore and China both have lower crime rates, and the common point is these two countries all have struct laws for regulating crime and criminal incidents. For example, there was a Chinese celebrity who illegally used drugs, and was arrested by the Chinese police. After several days of investigating, the celebrity was sentenced, and the Chinese law forced him to apologize during a TV broadcast. I was surprised by the result, and the way the Chinese government dealt with drug abuse, so I truly believe having capital punishment can deter people from commiting a crime.

(131 words)

I will cut this to …

Firstly, it deters people from crime. Countries with capital punishment, such as Singapore and China, have lower crime rates. (19 words)

You may have realized that the long example about the Chinese celebrity has no relevance to capital punishment at all. Remember, the IELTS instructions say, ‘Give relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.’ The conclusion drawn at the end (‘… so, I truly believe …’) has no logical connection to the example.

Paragraph 3

Another reason is that when capital punishment has been done, the majority of our society will think that the justice has been done, and this can be a kind of good feeling to the victim’s family. Let’s think about the tragedy that happened at the mosque in New Zealand recently. If no punishment is given, will the whole world and the victim’s family accept the result? (66 words)

I will cut this to …

Another reason for capital punishment is that it shows justice has been done. The family of the victims of the recent New Zealand mosque shooting would always certainly want this penalty. (31 words)

Paragraph 4

For human right activists, the existence of capital punishment might be immoral, and it seems to conflict with the Confucian concept which says people should learn the art of forgiveness to maintain a peaceful and harmonious society. However, I regard the true essence of the society is everyone deserves a fair life. All behavior has consequences. (56 words)

I will cut this to …

Human right activists argue that capital punishment is immoral. However, all behavior has consequences. (14 words)

Thus, I have cut the entire essay to …

Executions always trigger debate; however, I believe this punishment is necessary, for these reasons.

Firstly, it deters people from crime. Countries with capital punishment, such as Singapore and China, have lower crime rates.

Another reason for capital punishment is that it shows justice has been done. The family of the victims of the recent New Zealand mosque shooting would always certainly want this penalty.

Human right activists argue that capital punishment is immoral. However, all behavior has consequences.

(76 words)

Yes, I cut a 304-word essay to just 76 words! Can you see now why many students do not get a good IELTS mark? Can you see why IELTS examiners are not that impressed? Can you see why memorisation is a very bad strategy?

Now, each of those four paragraphs need to be build up again as we have done in previous posts, but I won’t do it here. You should know how to do this from the previous few posts.

Anyhow, that’s it with this series of posts on concision. I’ll move onto another theme – the next step (ah, again, check the picture above). What will I do? Hmmm, maybe collocation (again), or maybe a few ‘consumer advice’ posts. I’m still thinking about this. You’ll find out when you read it, right?

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .