Concision Rides Again (11 of 12)
Remember, in the last post of this series, we had a 79-word paragraph …
Another cause of the losing of culture of aboriginal groups is that the youth of these native aboriginals usually do not understand the importance of protecting their unique and traditional customs. These days, most aboriginal children need to go to the city to get an education, and most of them stay and do not go back to their hometowns after they graduate from university. As a result, they usually lose the opportunity to undertstand the history of their culture. [79 words]
… which we cut to ….
Another cause of cultural loss is the rejection of its relevance. The youth involved usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. [23 words]
Now, we have to build this paragraph up again using the following simple approaches from my IELTS Writing Task Two book. [Tip 16]
Let’s do it.
1. Why don’t these people return?
Let’s add ….
The multiplicity of sights and sounds prove irresistable to human minds, always craving for sensory stimulation.
2. What is the result of this input?
Let’s add ….
Immersed in such ‘melting pots’, individual cultures ineluctably evolve, and some aspects are seen as irrelevant to the exigencies of life.
Let’s add ….
For example, the sprawling metropolises of New York and London boast vibrant and ever-advancing urban cultures luring people in.
Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.
Another cause of cultural loss is the rejection of its relevance. The youth involved usually go to cities for education, and seldom return. The multiplicity* of sights and sounds prove irresistable to human minds, always craving for sensory* stimulation. Immersed* in such ‘melting pots’, individual cultures ineluctably* evolve, and some aspects are seen as irrelevant to the exigencies* of life. For example, the sprawling* metropolises* of New York and London boast vibrant* and ever-advancing urban cultures luring* people in. [79 words]
This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark, and, of course, I’ve added some great vocabulary (listed below), which you should now check up in a dictionary, right. Remember, vocabulary is one quarter of your writing score. Go for it!
- a multiplicity (n)
- to be sensory (adj)
- to immerse (v)
- to be ineluctable (adj)
- an exigency (n)
- to be sprawling (adj)
- metropolis (n)
- to be vibrant (adj)
- to lure (v)
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .