Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (2 of 16)
The first post of this series explained all about concision. Your writing has to look as clear, efficient, and pretty as that hedge in the picture above, right?
To refresh your memory, here’s another example from a recent essay I was correcting.
The pressure people are facing everyday sometimes leads to mental disorders. Once patients suffer in such a situation, they might lose all the control of their emotions. They might release their anger by killing others by the usage of guns. [40 words]
But I changed these sentences to just one.
The pressure people face can lead to mental disorders, loss of emotional control, and then the shooting of others. [19 words]
… which is much stronger and much clearer (and less than one half of the words!!!). Got it? Now, you have to do the same. Try making the following sentence(s) more concise. The answers will be given in the next post.
Generally speaking, the exportation of coal was the biggest part of Australia’s exports, and iron was the second biggest one, both in the year 2005 and the next year, 2010. These two items when combined together were more than one half of all the exports. [45 words]
They could threaten people who are going to attack them. [10 words]
Gun owners would say that people have a right to possess guns for protection of their lives and property. They believe people have responsibilities and abilities to fight back against criminals. [32 words]
Iron and coal are the most popular products which were traded overseas. On the other hand, the exportation percentage of wheat and meat are much less significant. [27 words]
… countries which have different culture and geographic features. [8 words]
… which are easily available and accessible to the holiday makers as opposed to the previous tourists who could only find the information from travel agencies and purchase package tours. [29 words]
The number of men in Asia is more than that of women. [12 words]
When mass shooting events occur, they injure and kill many people, and this outcome usually shocks the whole of society. [20 words]
Owning guns almost directly gives rise to the growth of crime rates. [12 words]
Modern life has become busier and with all the duties, bring more pressure to human beings. [16 words]
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .