Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (25 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don’t want your paragraph to look like the above pciture, do you? Rather than a mess of random and circling thoughts saying the same thing, there must be a definite pattern, right?
Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
Another reason why people smoke is that it will make these smokers much more happy. There is a component in cigarettes known as nicotine. The brains of those who are addicted to smoking will be stimulated by this nicotine to generate a variety of chemical factors which keep them in a good mood. By doing this habit, people can begin to forget about any worries or pain which may be currently occurring in their lives.
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