Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (16 of 16)

trimming a hedge.jpg

Let’s do ‘Concision’ Again, Okay? (16 of 16)

In this final post (in this series), we conclude by giving the answer to the three ‘over written’ paragraphs given in the previous post. Here they are.

Here’s the first paragraph.

Overwritten Paragraph (i)

A clear benefit is that the generation of nuclear power will not result in air pollution. It is very different from other forms of traditional energy, including oil natural gas, and coal. There are no greenhouse gases released during the manufacturing process of nuclear energy. Therefore, it can produce a wide variety of benefits, such as helping to mitigate global warming. [61 words]

I will change this to …

A clear benefit of nuclear power is that, unlike oil, natural gas, and coal, there are no greenhouse gases released, which mitigates global warming. [24 words]

Here’s the second paragraph.

Overwritten Paragraph (ii)

However, if the government allows everyone to possess guns, it cannot guarantee that everyone will only use guns under the circumstances of protecting themselves. In fact, the events where guns cause massive damage because people use them irrationally are more than the events that people use guns to successfully protect themselves from attack. Furthermore, using guns to defend from attack has the high possibility of hurting others’ lives. The loss of life will trigger the nervousness and fear in society, and conflicts could be more likely to happen. [88 words]

I will change this to …

However, allowing guns does not guarantee these weapons will be used rationally. Irrational gun violence may be more prevalent, and even legitimate defensive uses are liable to result in injury and death, only exascerbating the tension over this issue.

[27 words]

Overwritten Paragraph (iii)

For the youth, especially during the teenage period, peer pressure is sometimes a kind of force that you cannot say no to. Therefore, it is easly to make teens start smoking because of the friends or classmates. Young people might believe it can be a method to prove their personality is very different, and show the bravery to do something new in front of their friends, which is usually only thought of as something only mature people do. [78 words]

I will change this to …

For teenagers, peer pressure is sometimes an irresistable force, and smoking can prove they have the courage, maturity, and individuality of adults. [22 words]

Got it? By cutting all the repetition, by writing concisely, I now have time to write better words, aiming to achieve at least

Coherence & Cohesion IELTS 7     = there is clear progression throughout

Task Response IELTS 7                                = presents, extends, and supports main ideas

… by …

  • moving on,
  • saying more,
  • and achieving more of the task.

Well, that’s the end of this ‘concision’ series, and I hope it helped. In the next series, I’ll go back to ‘collocation’ – which is another big problem.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com  .