Yes, it’s Back to Concision, Again (22 of 30): Another ‘Circling Paragraph’
Remember, we are now looking at concision in a bigger way: by looking at the whole paragraph (rather than just at the sentence level). You don’t want your paragraph to be as detailed and confusing as the above picture, do you? Go to my IELTS Writing Task Two book, Tip 15: ‘Organise Your Paragraphs’, which gives two examples of ‘circling’ paragraphs. These paragraphs just repeat, and repeat, and repeat, the same thoughts. The section concludes by saying ..
These paragraphs do not go anywhere. Look at Task Response IELTS Five = ‘Ideas not developed enough’ and Coherence & Cohesion IELTS Five = May have unclear progression’. We want to move far away from these, right? So, ideas need to be developed and show progress.
Let’s look at another example.
Try making the following paragraph more concise.
Remember, it is not just words, but ideas which we do not want to repeat.
Cut them all out to just leave the main message remaining.
Can you then continue the paragraph in a better way?
Space missions can help scientists find any approaching asteroids which may hit the earth. We cannot imagine what a lethal disaster would be caused when an asteroid hit the crowded city. Maybe the dinosaur extinction sixty-five millions years ago can be a good example. The dinosaurs were made extinct by a tremendous blast and the greenhouse effect which was due to a comet crashing into the earth.
By the way, you can learn more about me at www.aisielts.com .