Concision Rides Again (8 of 12)

In the last post, we reduced a 83-word paragraph to 17. 83 words cut to 17. Wow! That first paragraph had so much unnecessary stuff. But now, let’s consider how to continue this sentence, and build a real paragraph in a strong and convincing way. Tip 16 of my book (‘Include Specific Support’) mentions a simple way to think.

Let’s try these approaches. Look at the cut paragraph again.

One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US. [17 words]

Now, let’s think.

1. Why do guns do this?

Let’s add ….

Guns give the possessor a power, and power corrupts. Add to this human weakness, the greed for easy money and an affluent lifestyle, and the stresses of a fiercely competitive and sometimes dehumanising society, and there is a volatile mix.

2. What is the result of knowing these skills?

Let’s add ….

The result is a generally deteriorating public safety, as exemplified by the recent Florida school shooting, leaving carnage in its wake.

Now, let’s put the whole paragraph together.

One reason is that guns increase both homicide and suicide, as can be seen in the US. Guns give the possessor a power, and power corrupts. Add to this human weakness, the greed for easy money and an affluent lifestyle, and the pressure of a fiercely competitive and sometimes dehumanising society, and there is a volatile mix. The result is a generally deteriorating public safety, as exemplified by the recent Florida high-school shooting rampage, where one psychologically-afflicted teenage left carnage in his wake.

[83 words]

This is the same length as the original paragraph, but now it goes somewhere! The ideas are developed and show progress. This gives a higher IELTS mark.

In the next post, we’ll look at another ‘circling paragraph’, and practice again.

By the way, you can learn more about me at   www.aisielts.com .